I'm so busy today but I feel like if I don't write a little bit every day then I'm not really living up to my full potential. Mondays are always batshit crazy for me. So many calls to make, people to talk to, appointments to schedule, mouths to feed, groceries to buy, etc. But I just wanted to stop for a second and write this out. This may be going in as a part of my section of Sorrow Pants zine, but it may not. I'll let it marinate for the night in my head and if I like it I'll draw it up by hand and put it in.

Right now I just want to admit that I'm lazy. Now, I'm not totally lazy but I often get so overwhelmed with things that I have to do that I just shut down and can't bring myself to do anything. The sheer number of things I should be doing on a daily basis is staggeringly impossible. For instance you should see my backyard. It's starting to look like the Jurassic Park of weedtown. There are weeds out there that I'm not even sure if they're weeds or just really toxic looking plants. Either way, I also have enormous amounts of wood out there AND in the front yard. Let's not talk about my lack of grass or, what I would like to call our "natural" yard situation. And that's just the outside. Don't even get me started on the inside.

I think I realized today that I don't have to shut down and not do anything. That, even though it feels fucking hopeless that I'll ever be able to get anything done, that I should just try. Just at least do that. Just try. It's a lot easier said than done. A little bit goes a long way and whatnot. All is not lost. It's always darkest before the dawn and all those other cliche gems.

Today I woke up and just wanted vegetables. Yes, that's just how shitty I eat on the daily. I want vegetables in my garden and in my stomach. Everywhere, I want vegetables. I just want to be healthy and I'm having a hard time coming up with a good explanation as to why it's so god damned hard to eat healthily on a consistent basis. Why? Why is it so hard? Old habits die hard, I guess. Like, if I don't have 1/3 meat, 1/3 vegetables, and 1/3 carbs on a plate I feel like there's something missing. I don't know how people don't eat mashed potatoes with chicken or how people can eat brown rice at all period. I am a carb queen. I went vegetarian for eight months and I gained 3 pounds, if that tells you anything.

I just want to take better care of myself. I am honestly surprised by how slowly, over the years, I've let myself go this much. I remember when I used to shower every day until I couldn't afford the electric bill and started showering twice a week instead. I remember when I wouldn't eat 3 meals out at a fast food restaurant in one day. I remember when I hardly ate anything all day and I wasn't really even hungry. I may have been a teenager and I'm an adult now, but I'd like to reclaim all of the healthier habits I used to have. I feel so neglected and I have no one to blame but myself.

Walking on the treadmill last week I came up with a list of things that I could do daily to make myself feel better, look better, and hold my head a little higher. It's a very honest list and I took my time with coming up with everything on it. Here goes.

Exercise-This may seem like a no-brainer but I have to debate about it in my head for an hour before I actually make myself get up and walk on the treadmill or go for a walk outside. It's sad. I am lazy. I'd rather sit around talking to my friends on instant messenger than exercise. I always forget how good it feels to get a rush or endorphins or to even take a half hour out of my day to exercise my body so that it stays strong. It's worth it. I just have to remember I love it.

Water-I always forget to drink it. I'm not a naturally thirsty person, and no, I don't eat a lot of meals during the day instead of drinking water. I just...don't drink a lot of liquids. I've been meaning to drink more water. I need to start so I can flush the bad shit out.

Shower-Especially after exercising. I've decided that if I can't afford to at least take a ten minute lukewarm shower daily, that's too close to living like I'm homeless. I deserve to feel clean and smell good and not have my hair all dreaded up. Not that I stink or that I'm dirty...but like I said, I do tend to neglect myself. After giving three kids a bath and washing them up in one day, washing myself seems way too exhausting. I'm changing this habit.

Orgasm-I have forgotten that I like sex. I like orgasms. With so much body hatred, it almost disgusts me to be naked or around my husband or, even worse, by myself. That's not okay! It may seem personal to share, but why should it be? Orgasms keep you in touch with yourself. Wakka wakka. I have almost completely given up on sex because I feel so disgusting but when I tap back into that part of me, I feel better, more confident in my daily life, and more in touch with my body. I tend to have less body images too.

Writing-I feel like, if I'm exercising my body, taking care of it, and paying attention to my body then why would I neglect my mind? I feel like it takes so little effort to write something, just anything, daily, that I should be already doing it. I don't think it counts to IM, though, as much as I want it to. :)

Diet-No, not diet like the action. I mean changing my diet. I'm in the middle of research to find out some good recipes with healthy foods. I am SO GOOD at making terribly fattening (and tasty!) foods but I have never really had a chance to make foods that are healthy and good. I know I have a lot of experimenting to do and a lot of reading to boot, but I feel like I need to do this for not only me but for my kids, too. All my boys are skinny little dudes, but Violette, though I monitor her food intake and try to keep her away from the bad stuff, is gaining weight like gangbusters. No, I'm not one of those parents that thinks my daughter is a reflection of me and that I have to starve so she isn't fat. I just want to start teaching her healthy eating habits now while she's still impressionable because I can tell she's probably going to struggle with her weight a lot more than I am already. I want her to feel good, even if she is bigger than average. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out.

Meditation-Okay, so I always thought meditation was totally bogus and just really, really boring...until I actually sat down and tried it. I tend to gravitate toward the guided meditation, just because I have a really hard time concentrating and clearing my head on my own. Even just 10 minutes completely changes my attitude for the day. I'm much more calm, relaxed, and if I do it before bedtime I pass right out with no anxiety. No anxiety at all anyway, when I do this daily. It's WORTH IT.


Overall I feel like if I'm not happy with myself than I have no one but myself to blame. It's time to till the soil so that the seeds that I've been planting all these years will grow. Wish  me luck.