I'm so busy today but I feel like if I don't write a little bit every day then I'm not really living up to my full potential. Mondays are always batshit crazy for me. So many calls to make, people to talk to, appointments to schedule, mouths to feed, groceries to buy, etc. But I just wanted to stop for a second and write this out. This may be going in as a part of my section of Sorrow Pants zine, but it may not. I'll let it marinate for the night in my head and if I like it I'll draw it up by hand and put it in.

Right now I just want to admit that I'm lazy. Now, I'm not totally lazy but I often get so overwhelmed with things that I have to do that I just shut down and can't bring myself to do anything. The sheer number of things I should be doing on a daily basis is staggeringly impossible. For instance you should see my backyard. It's starting to look like the Jurassic Park of weedtown. There are weeds out there that I'm not even sure if they're weeds or just really toxic looking plants. Either way, I also have enormous amounts of wood out there AND in the front yard. Let's not talk about my lack of grass or, what I would like to call our "natural" yard situation. And that's just the outside. Don't even get me started on the inside.

I think I realized today that I don't have to shut down and not do anything. That, even though it feels fucking hopeless that I'll ever be able to get anything done, that I should just try. Just at least do that. Just try. It's a lot easier said than done. A little bit goes a long way and whatnot. All is not lost. It's always darkest before the dawn and all those other cliche gems.

Today I woke up and just wanted vegetables. Yes, that's just how shitty I eat on the daily. I want vegetables in my garden and in my stomach. Everywhere, I want vegetables. I just want to be healthy and I'm having a hard time coming up with a good explanation as to why it's so god damned hard to eat healthily on a consistent basis. Why? Why is it so hard? Old habits die hard, I guess. Like, if I don't have 1/3 meat, 1/3 vegetables, and 1/3 carbs on a plate I feel like there's something missing. I don't know how people don't eat mashed potatoes with chicken or how people can eat brown rice at all period. I am a carb queen. I went vegetarian for eight months and I gained 3 pounds, if that tells you anything.

I just want to take better care of myself. I am honestly surprised by how slowly, over the years, I've let myself go this much. I remember when I used to shower every day until I couldn't afford the electric bill and started showering twice a week instead. I remember when I wouldn't eat 3 meals out at a fast food restaurant in one day. I remember when I hardly ate anything all day and I wasn't really even hungry. I may have been a teenager and I'm an adult now, but I'd like to reclaim all of the healthier habits I used to have. I feel so neglected and I have no one to blame but myself.

Walking on the treadmill last week I came up with a list of things that I could do daily to make myself feel better, look better, and hold my head a little higher. It's a very honest list and I took my time with coming up with everything on it. Here goes.

Exercise-This may seem like a no-brainer but I have to debate about it in my head for an hour before I actually make myself get up and walk on the treadmill or go for a walk outside. It's sad. I am lazy. I'd rather sit around talking to my friends on instant messenger than exercise. I always forget how good it feels to get a rush or endorphins or to even take a half hour out of my day to exercise my body so that it stays strong. It's worth it. I just have to remember I love it.

Water-I always forget to drink it. I'm not a naturally thirsty person, and no, I don't eat a lot of meals during the day instead of drinking water. I just...don't drink a lot of liquids. I've been meaning to drink more water. I need to start so I can flush the bad shit out.

Shower-Especially after exercising. I've decided that if I can't afford to at least take a ten minute lukewarm shower daily, that's too close to living like I'm homeless. I deserve to feel clean and smell good and not have my hair all dreaded up. Not that I stink or that I'm dirty...but like I said, I do tend to neglect myself. After giving three kids a bath and washing them up in one day, washing myself seems way too exhausting. I'm changing this habit.

Orgasm-I have forgotten that I like sex. I like orgasms. With so much body hatred, it almost disgusts me to be naked or around my husband or, even worse, by myself. That's not okay! It may seem personal to share, but why should it be? Orgasms keep you in touch with yourself. Wakka wakka. I have almost completely given up on sex because I feel so disgusting but when I tap back into that part of me, I feel better, more confident in my daily life, and more in touch with my body. I tend to have less body images too.

Writing-I feel like, if I'm exercising my body, taking care of it, and paying attention to my body then why would I neglect my mind? I feel like it takes so little effort to write something, just anything, daily, that I should be already doing it. I don't think it counts to IM, though, as much as I want it to. :)

Diet-No, not diet like the action. I mean changing my diet. I'm in the middle of research to find out some good recipes with healthy foods. I am SO GOOD at making terribly fattening (and tasty!) foods but I have never really had a chance to make foods that are healthy and good. I know I have a lot of experimenting to do and a lot of reading to boot, but I feel like I need to do this for not only me but for my kids, too. All my boys are skinny little dudes, but Violette, though I monitor her food intake and try to keep her away from the bad stuff, is gaining weight like gangbusters. No, I'm not one of those parents that thinks my daughter is a reflection of me and that I have to starve so she isn't fat. I just want to start teaching her healthy eating habits now while she's still impressionable because I can tell she's probably going to struggle with her weight a lot more than I am already. I want her to feel good, even if she is bigger than average. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out.

Meditation-Okay, so I always thought meditation was totally bogus and just really, really boring...until I actually sat down and tried it. I tend to gravitate toward the guided meditation, just because I have a really hard time concentrating and clearing my head on my own. Even just 10 minutes completely changes my attitude for the day. I'm much more calm, relaxed, and if I do it before bedtime I pass right out with no anxiety. No anxiety at all anyway, when I do this daily. It's WORTH IT.


Overall I feel like if I'm not happy with myself than I have no one but myself to blame. It's time to till the soil so that the seeds that I've been planting all these years will grow. Wish  me luck.

While It's Good

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember how good it can be with me and Mikey when we're both super tuned in to each other and spot on with everything and spending time with each other constructively and laughing and making love and just being married, you know what I mean? Most of the time we're like this


Morning

Mike: Hey will you give Austin his meds? I'm late for work and I gotta go.
Me: Yeah, sure. Love ya, bye.


Afternoon

Mike: Don't forget to call blahblahblah and schedule an appointment for fiddle dee doo.
Me: Yeah, yeah I'll do it. But why can't you do it? Oh, I need you to do (insert tremendously stressful chore here) after you get off work
Mike: Damn it. Alright. (Heavy sighing)
Me: Le sigh

After work


Me: Hey baby.
Mike: ::stares into space and doesn't move::: I am...so tired. Work was totally fucked today because of the boss' blahblahblahblahblah
Me: I'm sorry baby ::forgets to listen after his initial complaint about work and stares at his faces and dazes off instead
Mike: You're totally not even listening right now are you.
Me: Heh? Oh...sorry.
Mike goes downstairs to play X-Box until it's time for dinner

Dinnertime

Me: Kids! Time for dinner! Steven, stop telling your sister what to do and focus on yourself for once. Violette, what's wrong now? Why are you crying? I'm sure your toe will feel better after a while. It'll be okay. Nick! How many times have I told you stop being a bully to your sister?! You need to say you're sorry before you eat your dinner.
::Nicky then proceeds to sit there, immovable, for at least 5 minutes before I give up and just eat dinner
Mike: Steven, what did your mom tell you to do? Will you please just listen? For god's sakes! Violette, stop spitting your milk back into your cup and then drinking it, that's disgusting. Nicky, if you don't like it then don't eat it and be hungry.
Me: ::shoves food in face as quickly as possible before I'm interrupted, finish, then feel bloated:: How was your day at school, Steven?
::all kids begin talking at once and start arguing about who was talking first and who is lying and argueargueargue::
Mike: ONE AT A TIME!
Me: I'm going to go lie down and watch some TV. I give up.
Mike: I'll be there in a few minutes.

Insert Spongebob "Four Hours Later" voice

Me: What have you been up to? I thought you were coming up here in a few minutes?
Mike: ::yawns:: I've just been playing this one game and couldnt' beat this one level, insert long video game explanation here. Do you wanna do it?
Me: ::stare bald-faced at him for a few seconds and say nothing::
Mike: Fine. I'm too tired to do it anyway. I love you baby. I'll see you in the morning.

Wash, rinse, repeat. Wash, rinse, repeat. Every. Single. Day.


This was not a creative embellishment. This is, no shit, mine and Mike's life almost day in and day out minus the shit we both deal with when not interacting with each other. That's basically the only interactions we get with each other on a daily basis.

With Scotty no longer living with us and not currently having a caregiver and Violette and Nicky's grandpa in Mexico for the next two months and their grandma constantly on long hauls, we're fucking DYING for a break over here. We had last Saturday before Valentine's Day to ourselves, amazingly enough. This never happens.

We spent it picking up ladders and a bedroom set for Austin in Puyallup. Then we planned to have super kinky-nobody's-home-let's-shake-the-walls-with-our-sex sex but then we over-excited ourselves and it only lasted 2 minutes. Then we napped. Then we got up and got dressed and I gussied myself up and we went out to eat dinner at our old special occasion place, C.I. Shenannigans. We shared a bottle of champagne and had some really, really good food. Then we shopped for bed sheets at Target and picked up the latest installment in the Twilight saga. We went home, lit some candles and started a fire in the fireplace downstairs, watched it, and then had sex again and passed the fuck out.

That's all it takes. That's all it takes! That's all it takes for us to be connected for weeks after. I can feel that it's starting to slip away again, though. Tonight we had all the kids asleep and he still passed out early. Granted, we've both had long days but I'm at least willing to stay awake and have some good quality bonding time with him. Le sigh.

Marriage is not for chumps, I'll tell you that. Just trying to remind myself for when we are super out of synch that it does and can get better. It always does but it never feels like it at the time. 

I have been perusing applications, background checks, and conversing with possible caregivers for Austin all day long. I am tired.

Starting off we have a sassy black lady in her 50's that, after both times of offering up a day and time for an interview, has not even acknowledged it but instead told me when SHE would be "willing" to be interviewed. A word to the wise: if you need a job you should probably learn how to take instructions or at least make it seem like you can follow an order and that you're not totally stubborn and pig-headed. Just...ugh.

Second, I have a woman who isn't even self-sufficient enough to figure out what bus runs by the Starbucks that I'll be interviewing her at. Joy. How are you going to handle this job if you can't even figure out where to get simple information from? C'mon.

Third, and almost even sadder, I have a chick who is 7 months pregnant who is absolutely, hands down, THE most qualified person for this job. Also, she's she's 22 years old. If her resume is to be believed, anyway.

I guess the easy part is over. I have a few other people I'll be interviewing that don't really stand out to me at all. Maybe that's a good thing. Lol

If everyone shows up I will be at Starbucks for 7 straight hours this Sunday. Whoo! How exciting is that?

Other than this I have nothing really going on in my life. My life has been consumed with menial household labor. Until I hire a caregiver it will continue to be. I was never meant to be a housewife. I know this now.

Business as Usual.

I've just been so busy lately. Just...so fucking busy I can't even write or read things others have written or keep up a conversation with someone I can only talk online to or even sit down to finish Loco Pantaloons.

Too fucking busy!

I don't like it when I'm this busy. It makes me feel scattered and addle-brained. It's a bad feeling. I've been so busy just running around, buying the things that this household needs that I have no time or energy for anything else. Oh, I know. Woe is me, right? Well when it's 8:37pm and you're at Target contemplating if Rachel Ray or Paula Deen makes a better pots and pans set it's time to just call it a night. That's what I was doing last night. Exhausting.

Money is great and good and powerful and handy because it allows you to provide for your family. Get that growing son of yours a few pairs of pants and a pair of shoes that don't talk when he walks. Get your daughter some bras because apparently she needs them now. Get your youngest a new bed because he jumped to much on his and broke it.

I imagine a world where once you buy something you never have to replace it. What an amazing world that would be. I think most of the money I spend is on stuff that I'm replacing; food, clothes, beds, tv's, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I'm basically just tired of buying this shit!

The good news is that I bought a bunch of stuff for the house that I've been meaning to get. Like hardwood stain and polyurethane to deal with these hideous wood floors. That's going to be a big fucking job. I'm not looking forward to it. Plus I get anxiety just thinking about getting the stain even.

I bought some paint for the walls. A lovely shade of light blue. Got some paint for the dark brown shiny fireplace to paint it an eggshell cream color. Got cabinet paint to take it from boring apartment cabinets that look generic as hell to a cream color with a brown glaze over to look more France, 1900's. I'm basically renovating my upstairs to look more cottage chic, or shabby chic, or French Country, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I basically just hate how my house looks on the inside but have never done anything about it because when you have so much going on in your life, don't fuck around with things if they don't need fixin', ya know? But now as I get older I realize that if I'm not happy in the house I live in then I'm not happy most of the time. Unacceptable. So I'm doing something about it. Slowly but surely.

I'm also doing a split zine with someone who's a big supporter of The F-Bomb and all of my creative projects. Her name's Sarah and she runs Once Upon A Distro. We started talking after Wooden Shoe in Philly started carrying my zine and she had read it and loved it. She put out a request to do a split zine and I responded back and we're both excited for it. She wanted to go with a theme so we both agreed on "firsts."  I've already written the story of my first apartment and now I just have to think about what other stories I want to write and how I can wrangle them in under the "first" theme. :) And also, find the time to do that.

Right now I feel like I'm going to drop down on the floor in a fit of slumber. I'm on my moon, I'm starting to come down with a cold, and I just can't fucking sleep correctly lately and I don't know why. I feel like I need to power sleep for 15 or so hours to reboot my sleep. Maybe I'll just sleep today and give the dishes and laundry the bird. I'm too tired for this.

I was going to write something much more meaningful and regale you with witticisms and funny things but this is all you get from me today. Maybe the next time I write I'll be much less whiny.

x-posted from LJ.

I've been hanging out with my friend, Julie, a lot lately. A lot. We have an almost obsession with staying in touch with each other every few days. We spend every weekend together. She is amazing and I love her. She's like the sister I never had and always wanted. Our lives and experiences mirror each other in some crazy ways. Our dads even look alike. Our husbands are exactly the same down to the clothes they wear and their obsessions with video games. She is an amazing artists (she's the one that designed my back tattoo) and I am the writer. She nudges me to paint and I nudge at her to write. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, both physically and spiritually. Whenever we're together there is a flurry of spirit activity around us.

For those of you who don't believe in ghosts, spirits, or life after death,(and I'm assuming most of you don't) go ahead and snicker and then simply skim the rest of my blog.  If you believe or are just impartial, feel free to read the rest.

To make a very, very long story short I have been able to sense spirits since I was a little girl. I've always pushed it down to near non-existence until a few months ago. A few months ago Julie suggested we do a Ouija board at my 30th birthday party and so we did. I ended up channeling her deceased father and two brothers. I was able to nail down their appearances and demeanors. We decided to go gung ho on it and really start delving.

And delve we did. We would get together and channel whatever energies were around us at the time. Mostly it was like we were the lighthouses in the dark...they simply flocked to us. Occasionally we would specifically ask to speak to someone. Like Sandy. I hadn't done a Ouija board since before Sandy had died. When we did one to get a hold of her dad and brothers and were done talking to them, we asked to speak to Sandy.

Immediately my surrounding area got really, really warm. I felt flushed. It felt like his huge hands were resting over mine on the pointer. We talked a little. I mostly kept all of my questions to myself because, as much as I love Julie, there's still a part of me that keeps Sandy and our relationship very much to myself. I asked him if he had any messages for his mother. He spelled out "have fun", which is funny because she works constantly and doesn't ever really have any time to enjoy her life at all. He spelled out "let go" when it came to Tom, which also didn't surprise me in the least. I don't think Tom will ever be able to let go of Sandy. He's not one of those people that dealt with that very easily.

I then asked if there was something I could tell his parents that might make them believe me more, some way that they would know that these messages were coming from him and not just me making things up. He spelled out the word "hams."
Hams? I kept asking if there was more to that and the pointer didn't move. Ooookay. Finally he spelled out "I love you" to me and was noticeably gone after that. There was the whole withdrawal after that. I saw Tom and let him know what Sandy had said to pass on and then asked about hams. I asked if it made any sense to him...did they share some kind of memory together involving hams? Or was it Hamm's beer? He said it didn't ring a bell but to call Laraine and tell her about it.

When I got her on the phone I told her about what had transpired, and then told her what Sandy said to tell her. I asked her about hams and if that meant anything to her at all. She basically went apeshit and said that Tom had been cleaning out the freezer and found three hams and had made them all that previous Sunday night. She said they had been eating ham non-stop for the past four days.

That really alleviated my concern that I was just batshit crazy making things up. How could I have known about that? I couldn't and I didn't. But yet, there was the proof.

I guess I bring up this one specific incident because yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of the accident and of Sandy's death. Laraine, Tom, Stewart, and Stewart's ex-girlfriend were all posting shit on Facebook about how much Sandy is missed, his pictures, and the like. Can I just say that it's a little disheartening to see that shit when YOU are the one that was in that accident? It's like, oh shit guys...thank you for posting that. I almost forgot about THE WORST TRAGEDY OF MY LIFE. FUCK.

Even one of my good friends from back in high school, Justin, posted about it. Saying how Sandy was his "brother from another mother" and how he's going to "carry on the music" for him. Right, if you guys were so close then how come I only saw you two hang out one time in the two and a half years me and Sandy were together? I understand friends drift apart from time to time but two and a half years is a loooong time to go without seeing your supposed brother. It just bugs me.

Sometimes I wonder if, when I die, people whom I barely knew or who were acquaintances will fly out of the woodwork to claim intense personal relations to me. It's all bullshit.

I feel like, after doing that Ouija board sesh and ever since then I'll catch glimpses of him in a doorway or in a reflection or actually FEEL his hand on my hair, I don't really need to mourn him anymore. I feel like he's still with me, even though I hate it when people say that. He really is still with us, just on a different plane of existence. He'll never leave me side, just like he promised. He's in the quiet moments.

It's all incredibly complicated and probably really hard for people who can't sense these things to understand. I went through a long period of thinking that I was crazy, that I was only seeing what I wanted to see, and other such things. I waited until I had verifiable proof before allowing myself to believe. And believe I do.

I guess that's all. My kid free hours are almost up and I still need to sweep and clear off the table and maybe get to wiping down the kitchen counters. All the mundane domesticated responsibilities have increased since I fired Dani in a hail of fire and brimstone. That was an epic fight if ever there was one. Rachel will attest to that fact.

The Juice is Loose

I am somewhat off-schedule today. I stayed up until 1am looking up information on the juicefast/raw diet I will be putting myself on for an indeterminable amount of time. Mike said he wants to do it with me, which surprised the hell out of me. The man cannot eat a meal without something being fried. Yet, I am about 100lbs. overweight and he is 20. I call a bullshit.

So I decided that I wanted to wait until after Valentine's Day to start the fast, mainly because I'm cooking up a huge meal that may or may not include lobster and filet mignon. And I've never had lobster before. And I want to see if I'm allergic to it. And I really can't wait for that. If it weren't for that I would start the juice fast the minute that I got my tax refund back from the IRS, which should be next Wednesday.

Buh. I felt like I had a lot more stuff to write about but I've kind of fizzled out and my caffeine has worn off. More tomorrow, maybe.

The End of an Era

I broke the news to the contributors yesterday that The F-Bomb is shutting down after the 10th issue comes out. I got the response that I thought I would: Hardly anyone said anything, save for the three other people that ran zines. Karley (The Filth), Keith (Every Reason), and Deirdree (Gag Me With A...) were pretty much the only one that gave a rat's ass. Not a peep from anyone else except for Ben who has been helping me copy-edit for a long time and Jon Kulczar who does the Wicket & Imp comic. It was just as I suspected, though. If people can't even care enough to be bothered to contribute (even after they promise a contribution or whine about getting their way on something and then I give it to them) why would they care if the one thing I've been the most passionate about in my life was shutting down?

I cited the fact that I didn't have the money to print them up anymore as the reason why it all had to come to an end. That's only partially true. One of the main reasons I don't want to do it anymore is because of all the half-assed submissions I keep getting from actual friends that I can't turn away because of friendship politics. Submissions I hated but had to use my own money to print up...it really just killed me. It came to the point that I only liked a few pieces in a 44 page zine and that's when I decided I'd had enough. It was time to for change.


It was also the fact that my main type of submission was fiction. Fiction is fine, don't get me wrong, but when 75%  of what you're getting is fiction and you've always had a soft spot in your heart for creative non-fiction, well...it just gets tough.

Also the bad poetry. OH MY GOD. The poetry I have gotten. Jesus. It was like every stanza of every poem caused me to cringe. That's a lot of cringing.

All in all, I am sad that The F-Bomb has grabbed so many fans and attention from places and now that has to come to an end and be all for nothing. I do plan on another collaborative project...after I weed out all the bullshit contributors from The F-Bomb. No more open calls for submissions. I am definitely going to hand-pick the people that I want for this next venture.

And it's going to be awesome. Trust me.