x-posted from LJ.

I've been hanging out with my friend, Julie, a lot lately. A lot. We have an almost obsession with staying in touch with each other every few days. We spend every weekend together. She is amazing and I love her. She's like the sister I never had and always wanted. Our lives and experiences mirror each other in some crazy ways. Our dads even look alike. Our husbands are exactly the same down to the clothes they wear and their obsessions with video games. She is an amazing artists (she's the one that designed my back tattoo) and I am the writer. She nudges me to paint and I nudge at her to write. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, both physically and spiritually. Whenever we're together there is a flurry of spirit activity around us.

For those of you who don't believe in ghosts, spirits, or life after death,(and I'm assuming most of you don't) go ahead and snicker and then simply skim the rest of my blog.  If you believe or are just impartial, feel free to read the rest.

To make a very, very long story short I have been able to sense spirits since I was a little girl. I've always pushed it down to near non-existence until a few months ago. A few months ago Julie suggested we do a Ouija board at my 30th birthday party and so we did. I ended up channeling her deceased father and two brothers. I was able to nail down their appearances and demeanors. We decided to go gung ho on it and really start delving.

And delve we did. We would get together and channel whatever energies were around us at the time. Mostly it was like we were the lighthouses in the dark...they simply flocked to us. Occasionally we would specifically ask to speak to someone. Like Sandy. I hadn't done a Ouija board since before Sandy had died. When we did one to get a hold of her dad and brothers and were done talking to them, we asked to speak to Sandy.

Immediately my surrounding area got really, really warm. I felt flushed. It felt like his huge hands were resting over mine on the pointer. We talked a little. I mostly kept all of my questions to myself because, as much as I love Julie, there's still a part of me that keeps Sandy and our relationship very much to myself. I asked him if he had any messages for his mother. He spelled out "have fun", which is funny because she works constantly and doesn't ever really have any time to enjoy her life at all. He spelled out "let go" when it came to Tom, which also didn't surprise me in the least. I don't think Tom will ever be able to let go of Sandy. He's not one of those people that dealt with that very easily.

I then asked if there was something I could tell his parents that might make them believe me more, some way that they would know that these messages were coming from him and not just me making things up. He spelled out the word "hams."
Hams? I kept asking if there was more to that and the pointer didn't move. Ooookay. Finally he spelled out "I love you" to me and was noticeably gone after that. There was the whole withdrawal after that. I saw Tom and let him know what Sandy had said to pass on and then asked about hams. I asked if it made any sense to him...did they share some kind of memory together involving hams? Or was it Hamm's beer? He said it didn't ring a bell but to call Laraine and tell her about it.

When I got her on the phone I told her about what had transpired, and then told her what Sandy said to tell her. I asked her about hams and if that meant anything to her at all. She basically went apeshit and said that Tom had been cleaning out the freezer and found three hams and had made them all that previous Sunday night. She said they had been eating ham non-stop for the past four days.

That really alleviated my concern that I was just batshit crazy making things up. How could I have known about that? I couldn't and I didn't. But yet, there was the proof.

I guess I bring up this one specific incident because yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of the accident and of Sandy's death. Laraine, Tom, Stewart, and Stewart's ex-girlfriend were all posting shit on Facebook about how much Sandy is missed, his pictures, and the like. Can I just say that it's a little disheartening to see that shit when YOU are the one that was in that accident? It's like, oh shit guys...thank you for posting that. I almost forgot about THE WORST TRAGEDY OF MY LIFE. FUCK.

Even one of my good friends from back in high school, Justin, posted about it. Saying how Sandy was his "brother from another mother" and how he's going to "carry on the music" for him. Right, if you guys were so close then how come I only saw you two hang out one time in the two and a half years me and Sandy were together? I understand friends drift apart from time to time but two and a half years is a loooong time to go without seeing your supposed brother. It just bugs me.

Sometimes I wonder if, when I die, people whom I barely knew or who were acquaintances will fly out of the woodwork to claim intense personal relations to me. It's all bullshit.

I feel like, after doing that Ouija board sesh and ever since then I'll catch glimpses of him in a doorway or in a reflection or actually FEEL his hand on my hair, I don't really need to mourn him anymore. I feel like he's still with me, even though I hate it when people say that. He really is still with us, just on a different plane of existence. He'll never leave me side, just like he promised. He's in the quiet moments.

It's all incredibly complicated and probably really hard for people who can't sense these things to understand. I went through a long period of thinking that I was crazy, that I was only seeing what I wanted to see, and other such things. I waited until I had verifiable proof before allowing myself to believe. And believe I do.

I guess that's all. My kid free hours are almost up and I still need to sweep and clear off the table and maybe get to wiping down the kitchen counters. All the mundane domesticated responsibilities have increased since I fired Dani in a hail of fire and brimstone. That was an epic fight if ever there was one. Rachel will attest to that fact.